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Why am I here again?

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Post  AKeybladeYouSay Mon May 11, 2015 2:44 am

I'm sorry for cluttering the boards. I just wanted to make a statement, even though I think I've said it in the past since I've been inactive all this time.

For some reason I found myself typing in the site url a bit ago, just wondering if anything had changed. It seems like nothing really has. It's hard for me to tell if the reason it ever changed was because of people like me. It's harder for me to assess whether the board's changing was ever a good thing. What if the site had just always stayed the same way it was before I even got here? If Org. XIV had never moved here. I like to think that I had some sort of hand in that happening, but who knows?

Regardless of any of the answers to these questions... I've been called back here. Beckoned back by the ungrateful bitch that is Lady Nostalgia. Not to say that I didn't have good times while I was active here. It's just that I feel like back when I was actually willing to come here and RP, I was young and stupid and didn't realize that my writing is shit. Maybe I only think my writing is shit because I haven't written in so long.

There was a point where I just didn't really know what was going on here anymore. When I first joined, it was because I had recently played KH2, fucked around on the GameFAQs forums for it, and then stumbled into this site. I think. I can't even properly remember how I got here. But there was a point where my knowledge of the subject matter flatlined. I only ever managed to complete one KH game, and although I knew the story, there was an odd disconnect. I didn't know any of the emotion that connected to that story. And then things like Persona RPs came up, something I never had any interest in getting into. I felt more and more distanced from you guys. I was sad because I knew that my time here was coming to a close, whether I wanted it to or not. I was growing up. My interests were changing. I just didn't feel like taking the time out of my day to put way too much time and effort into something I wasn't even mediocre at. That, along with pubescence and clinical depression made it hard for me to justify coming here. And once I got out of the habit of coming here, I never got back into it.

Well, I say that. But I always came back. To paraphrase a favorite game of mine, leaving isn't the hard part. It's letting go.

To just tell myself that I'm done with something after doing it for a matter of years is a particularly sad thing for me to do. I grew attached to the people on this site, even if they were just strangers I had met on the internet that were years and years older than me. In some ways I guess I feel guilty for forming a mutual attachment with any of you when, if we were to ever interact in real life, it would be not only an awkward endeavor, but would probably be frowned upon because of the age gaps. I always felt like I somehow left a part of myself here. Buried deep within these boards, encrypted into every single character I ever typed, a little piece given to each of you as if I thought you should be grateful to even know me.

And the funny thing is that, as I sit down to type this, I'm realizing that, in reality, I do enjoy writing. The problem so long ago and in my life generally was just that I didn't have any passion for what I was writing about. But now I'm writing about my own life, and if I didn't have passion for my own life, I'd have killed myself long before now. I'd be gone and you wouldn't have had to endure those embarrassing periods of me writing a character wanting to kill himself for some stupid fucking reason. Or bear witness to my awful understanding of females in general.

So, what exactly am I doing here?
Why don't I know?
Why would I bring this pain, swelling in my stomach as I type, upon myself if I didn't have to?
Why can't I just be respectful and let you all forget about me?
I can't accurately answer any of these questions. Maybe I just came here for answers. Or for solace. Out of fear of a time where my life is moving forward and I'm terrified of whether or not I'll be able to handle it.
Maybe I'm just a fucking asshole.


I just... don't know.
At this point, it's nearly 11:00 PM, and I have school tomorrow, so I should probably go to bed so I can cry myself to sleep. Because obviously that's something sensible to do over a situation like this. But I can't help it. I can't seem to help anything I do.
Anyway, I'll be going for tonight. Respond if you want, but if you don't want to, I'll get the message.
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Post  Admin (HalcyonWandering) Mon May 11, 2015 3:20 am

Hey, Yusei.

I've always been the administrator here since our site started as a way to escape the mods of GameFAQs. While it had a modest start, I'd like to think that we've been pretty successful at our first goal, giving RPers a place to enjoy themselves and relate to one another.

While I don't personally know when you entered our board, I can venture a guess and say you followed the flood of newcomers that were introduced when Haar asked me if Org. XIV could come here. And I'll be honest, I was pretty freaking exciting to see our modest little community jump to more than 20 members. Now, we have 90 registered members. Most of them don't post here any more, but I'm proud of the fact that we made those numbers happen.

That being said, let me take a second and cherry pick a few parts of this.

"I'm sorry for cluttering the boards. I just wanted to make a statement, even though I think I've said it in the past since I've been inactive all this time."

You aren't cluttering the boards here. This section of the board is specifically for conversation just like this. If you had posted the same thread in TITAL or Org. XIV, I might have agreed. But, this part of the board is the correct place for this topic and therefore not clutter.

"What if the site had just always stayed the same way it was before I even got here?"

Thankfully, it didn't. I'd like to think that the addition of Organization XIV was a large part of why the board as a whole improved. We've all come a long way since the board started. And I'd like to think that we've been making that improvement as a collective community.

"I always felt like I somehow left a part of myself here. Buried deep within these boards, encrypted into every single character I ever typed, a little piece given to each of you as if I thought you should be grateful to even know me."

I'd like to think that I've done likewise. While I know that I'm not exactly the same as most adminstrators should work as I'm a lot more involved in this community than a normal Admin would, I take pride in the bonds that we have with each other here. Just because there's a difference in age doesn't make that any less important.

"Why can't I just be respectful and let you all forget about me?"

I'll be blunt here, Yusei. I'd prefer that you didn't. Even if life has got you tied up and pulled apart from us here, you are always welcome to check in with us. If you'd like to find a way to start posting again, feel free to talk to me about that.

On a closing note, you can PM at any time if you want to talk about getting back up to speed with the board, creating a new topic to get into, or just to chat. I'm also available on Skype if you'd prefer that method of communication.

Your friendly neighborhood admin,
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Post  NebulaGregarZX Mon May 11, 2015 3:35 am

Forget you? Why would I want to do that?

Anyway, even if you do leave TITAL for good, that doesn't mean you have to leave everyone you know from the board behind. You can always talk to us if you want. I mean, I was opposed to the idea of us all exchanging Skype information and gamertags and the like before, but I've changed my mind since then. We all should talk to each other and keep in contact, and I believe that includes you.

I mean, there's folks like LightRoxas13, Kizukanai, what's-her-face and the bunch that never posted at all, and they're forgettable. You're not like them, you're actually a part of this little community. They just came for a quick RP and vanished when they got bored or couldn't figure out what's what, while you've been here this whole time. And no, that's different from off-and-on RPing. We ALL get bored of it sometimes.

...As an aside, I had no idea you were writing about your life. That sounds interesting, and I'm glad you're passionate about it.
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Post  AKeybladeYouSay Mon May 11, 2015 4:17 am

When I said I was writing about my life, I just meant the few paragraphs of this post. Anyway, I'll chat more tomorrow, I really need to go.
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Post  khfreak358 Mon May 11, 2015 4:39 am

Yusei, you are always welcome here, even if you're just chatting with us. Hell, you've got me on Skype already. While I can't always guarantee I'll respond immediately, you're always welcome to message me there. You're my friend, Yusei. And if KH has taught me anything, it's that you don't turn your back on your friends.
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Post  Haar_Dragon Mon May 11, 2015 1:39 pm

*sigh* How on Earth can you write that and then say your writing is less than mediocre? Come on.

I've said it before and I'm happy to say it again here: you don't have to feel like you don't belong here. You were the first person to post the Org. XIV thread once I got the okay for it to come here. I know that because the Org XIV topic has you set as its creator. And you aren't forcing yourself on us. If you were forcing yourself on us, we'd have kicked you off, a la Sam. But we didn't, and now that you've sat down and said what's on your mind, we're here, answering you. Bear in mind, you brought like half the active posters here. From the original TITAL, it's me, Admin, and Zeldaman. Everyone else moved here with Org XIV--Nebula, kh, you, Whats_Up, XGeass, and probably a couple of others that I'm totally forgetting because I just finished working on an English essay and my brain's a little bit fried.

Point is, you aren't cluttering the boards. This section is titled "Anything, Everything, and perhaps Nothing?" It's for whatever any of us might want to say. And as a matter of fact, wasn't General Discussion your idea, too? I don't want to say it doesn't matter that you don't post any more, because that's not true, but the fact of the matter is, you caused a massive change on this board. Half the stuff here only exists because the site is big enough to generate enough interest.

And there's no rule that you have to participate in every RP. Why would you think that? So you're not interested in Persona. You can still stick to the TITAL/Org. XIV boards if you want. Or, if it really floats your boat, I don't think any of us would mind if you just came and posted here. I mean, technically I can't speak for anyone else, but I don't mind if you pop in and talk every now and again.

Like everyone else (literally everyone else who has posted so far) said, we're friends. Internet friends, yeah, but none of us, none of us want to forget you, or want you to just go away. We like you, plain and simple. And I'm having trouble thinking of a proper way to end this post now, so let me just say that in my eyes, you're always welcome back, whether to RP, or to talk, or whatever you want. And I legitimately hope to see more of you. Cool?
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Post  AKeybladeYouSay Mon May 11, 2015 2:50 pm

Thanks, guys. I appreciate it. I was in a pretty rough place last night, and it's good to know I can come back here.

And it's not just persona that I didn't want to participate in, it was KH too. I just sort of lost interest at a certain point.

For some reason, I feel like I'd like to get back to writing today, if I could only find something I'd be as interested in writing as I was KH.
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Post  AKeybladeYouSay Fri May 15, 2015 2:17 am

So I'm trying to think of something good that would help me get back into writing. I don't want it to be attached to any pre-existing franchise. I thought about an RP where everyone writes character bios, and then someone else has to write that character, as selected randomly. Des it sound like something anybody here would be interested in, or is there too much going on already?
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Post  Haar_Dragon Fri May 15, 2015 3:04 am

It sounds interesting, conceptually. The problem I have with it is, even with character bios already written up, it's difficult not to make the character your own in some way. I find that a lot of times, a character isn't necessarily what I've written up on the bio sheet, because that isn't what feel natural for them to say or do. For example, Abel, my Persona REM character. His bio sheet says (currently) that he enjoys the internet, where what he actually spends his time doing is, for all intents and purposes, shadow-boxing.

What I'm trying to get at is, even with predetermined character bios, it's nearly impossible not to take some creative liberties, especially with a character whose entire backstory was decided by someone else. All the same, I'd be somewhat interested myself, as a sort of exercise, provided you're okay with the creative liberties thing.
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Post  Admin (HalcyonWandering) Fri May 15, 2015 3:12 am

I think that's a great idea personally. It'd definitely be an interesting way to flex our collective creative muscle. Have you thought of a plot for it?
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Post  AKeybladeYouSay Fri May 15, 2015 3:32 am

I realize that creative liberties will definitely have to be taken, but I think that we can all collaborate in helping each other stay true to the original character if it's something really off.

As for a plot, I haven't been able to put a whole lot of thought into it and thought we could spitball a bit.
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Post  NebulaGregarZX Fri May 15, 2015 7:54 am

Sounds like fun; I'm in.

Well, what I'd do is pull material from my dreams. Do you keep a dream journal, Yusei? If you'd like, I could give an example or two from my own that could be worked into a setting and general plot.

And does anyone else feel like the cast might end up unbalanced as a result of this stuff? We're not so silly as to have most of them be designed as a typical hero or anything, but it would be kind of a pain if, say, two or three characters happened to be very similar, or maybe there were no female characters. Should we talk about what kinds of characters we'll be making before doing it?
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Post  AKeybladeYouSay Fri May 15, 2015 11:45 am

I was thinking that we'd make it so everyone can see the bios we make, and then we can build off of the characters others make, then shuffle them between everybody.
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Post  AKeybladeYouSay Fri May 15, 2015 12:44 pm

Also, I couldn't really respond to this earlier because I was in sort of a hurry, but I don't keep a dream journal. I dream very uncommonly, but when I do dream, I can remember it pretty well. However, I feel like my dreams are too Cloudcuckoolandish for our purposes.
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Post  NebulaGregarZX Fri May 15, 2015 9:53 pm

Well, you don't have to directly rip everything from your dreams, just turn them into concepts. I mean, I've got one that could create part of a setting, but the actual dream is just kind of weird, consists of weird exposition and speculation, and take place in an outdoor classroom made of sand (and shaped kind of like a wall, or maybe stairs without the first several steps), taught by a satyr, and the entire class is doing an exercise where they pass a ball down the line, and my avatar got there late. That's not exactly the most useful thing, but the other stuff could be useful.

Care for me to go on about that dream?
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Post  AKeybladeYouSay Fri May 15, 2015 10:09 pm

If you like. However, I was thinking of something more traditional. For some reason I've got private investigators stuck in my head, like, a sort of noire story.
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Post  NebulaGregarZX Sat May 16, 2015 12:07 am

Honestly, I know nothing of that kind of thing, so if we go with that, I'm not going to have as many ideas to pitch in. Especially if it's a real-world thing, rather than some fantasy spin on the idea of a noire story. Sadly, my skills in realism are lacking.

Well, the setting that came to mind in the dream (I looked at the actual journal entry and realized that most of the setting I envision was speculation from after the fact) was one with a theme of prejudice and elitism connected to two kinds of hereditary magic. It struck me as the kind of idea that could be turned into a story.
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Post  AKeybladeYouSay Sat May 16, 2015 1:07 am

A cross between fantasy and noire could actually be really cool, I think. However, I'm not really interested in a strictly fantasy setting.
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Post  NebulaGregarZX Sat May 16, 2015 1:13 am

Neat. I'm kinda nodding off, so I can't come up with anything at the moment. Any other ideas or suggestions are welcome,
I think, guys.
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Post  AKeybladeYouSay Sat May 16, 2015 1:15 am

What time is it where you are?
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Post  NebulaGregarZX Sat May 16, 2015 3:28 am

9:13 PM as of that previous message, 11:28 PM as of this message. I've gotten less drowsy, so I'll let you know if anything comes to mind, but it's not terribly likely. I'm gonna try and go to sleep before two in the morning, since my sleep schedule is kind of messed up right now.
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Post  AKeybladeYouSay Sat May 16, 2015 3:36 am

By all means, don't feel obligated to stay up just because of me. I'm probably gonna go to sleep too. I just thought it was weird you were so tired at 9:00.
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Post  Zeldaman2.0 Sat May 16, 2015 6:16 am

Admin (HalcyonWandering) wrote:I think that's a great idea personally. It'd definitely be an interesting way to flex our collective creative muscle. Have you thought of a plot for it?

I would like to point out I had this idea a long long time ago and it got shut down for that exact reason, or the reason that someone might not be comfortable having their characters represented properly. I don't think you shut it down, someone else might have, but whatever. I guess bottom line is that I'm on board.

And Yusei, dude, sorry I took so long on this, but some key things that I think I'd like to say:

1. Of course it's going to be awkward, the nature of internet friends is like that. It's whether or not you can keep a conversation going around them is what matters.

2. Age is just a number to most of us, bud. I have brothers that are 11 years above and below my age, and my dad is 50. Some of my friends are in their 30s, their late teens, it's nothing huge. I'd just like to point out that if we ever got together I think most of us would treat you well.

Back to the topic at hand, if you want I can come up with a few genre mixings to keep it interesting while still being mostly realistic. Like if we wanted something with actual plot we could do a fantasy noire, or some kind of adventure story with real-world grounding, like, I dunno, throw some mythological elements into a traders' story of them going from town to town either trying to get by or to make it big. Like... let's say it's a desert setting, and we throw in things like a hag that makes it look like she's a water nymph in an oasis, or wind devils make things scary for locals. Small fry and common elements in a lot of fantasy, but it takes a backseat or just provides a challenge for them, and every day is a constant struggle for them.

Or we could go another route: we could do something that I've been saving for a rainy day, which is a world that has accepted a lot of the bullshit that's common in our world, and has decided it has a better way of going about dealing with it: widespread, televised, high-stakes winnings for gladiatorial combat. The setting I had in mind was hella fantastic but I think with just a small tweak to realism (say, steampunk or cyberpunk) we could totally make that happen.

For those of us not wanting combat or anything like that, I have something that's becoming a bit more of a common thread on this board: high school with a twist XD

This one was based off of a thing-thing that I'm doing which is based off of another thing that ended up kind of having this as a concept, which was angels, demons, and the like all attending some twisted school made to accommodate these above-human lifeforms.
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Post  Haar_Dragon Sat May 16, 2015 11:29 am

As far as my input, I'd be on board with either of those, but it's not my call at the end of the day.
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Post  AKeybladeYouSay Sat May 16, 2015 12:44 pm

I think combat is a bit too prominent on the board. It's weird for me to try and write. I wanna do something that's less common for the site.
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