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Post  Aesoth on Tue Jul 17, 2012 2:14 am

I've never been able to write pacing that well, so maybe that will get better if I use Novel more.
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Post  greeneggsandSAM on Tue Jul 17, 2012 2:19 am

I used to be a god at novel. Then I took an arrow to the kn--*has Silence cast on him*
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Post  Malakili007 on Tue Jul 17, 2012 2:25 am

yeah uh huh.....that was still awful Sam.
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Post  greeneggsandSAM on Tue Jul 17, 2012 2:25 am

the joke or the story?
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Post  Malakili007 on Tue Jul 17, 2012 2:27 am

Both. I'll give constructive criticism on the story later when I feel like it though. And maybe awful is a bit too strong of a word.
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Post  greeneggsandSAM on Tue Jul 17, 2012 2:29 am

I actually had a funny idea for the first one.
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Post  AKeybladeYouSay on Tue Jul 17, 2012 2:44 am

Sam, you can't just completely omit emotion.
ESPECIALLY in first person. And you need to build up to events, not just state what happened.
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Post  NebulaGregarZX on Tue Jul 17, 2012 2:46 am

Goddammit... Lost my post. I'll sum up.

Your description was bland and without substance. I think it's safe to assume Twilight was better written. Bonus points for the bloodstain detail, but it was still poorly-execeuted. Yeah, and try using Third-Person a little more if you won't use emotion. In First-Person, emotion is CRITICAL to making the reader feel like the character.

How did most of them die? You just said "I killed them" or words to that effect. I would have described how she had snatched a dagger-like shard of the broken glass, impaled the first scientist in the chest, then ducked under the others' attempts to subdue her, slashing their ribs as she went. She would then have sprinted away without looking back.

Sometimes, it helps to be vague, too, but only in very carefully-written situations. Like if Rexial entered a hallway, and soldiers began to swarm him. The only thing to indicate that he ever broke his stride was a slight flicker every now and then, never ceasing the rythmatic sound of his shoes hitting the floor. He stepped out at the other end, the remaining opposition dropping dead as he left.

You see what I did there?

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Post  greeneggsandSAM on Tue Jul 17, 2012 2:50 am

Got it. You want me to redo the story?
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Post  Malakili007 on Tue Jul 17, 2012 2:56 am

NebulaGregarZX wrote:
Sometimes, it helps to be vague, too, but only in very carefully-written situations.

Or like what I did with Fifeyux recently, I spent up to 30 minutes on each of those posts making absolutely sure I didn't let any he's or she's slip through so that the identity of her captive would not be revealed.
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Post  NebulaGregarZX on Tue Jul 17, 2012 3:15 am

No, do a different one. I can't risk having you cheat by using my corrective example. Plus, it'd be hard to rewrite it WITHOUT copying parts of it. Do another situation.

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Post  AKeybladeYouSay on Tue Jul 17, 2012 3:21 am

Why is everyone using tiny text?
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Post  Atlantis_Rising on Tue Jul 17, 2012 8:40 pm

wtf happened to my topic? lmao meh...I'll throw up an example from the site this was supposed to be having people get interested in lol

(Zombie apocolypse scenario. My character is barricaded in a house as the undead try to get in through his weak attempt of defense)

Defense of the house had become a problem now. His pistol was extremely low on ammo. He fired another shot, noticing that when he took down one zombie, three took its place. He looked around for something to try to take out a larger group of them, something flammable or that might have some shrapnel. He found a lantern, but realized he had no lighter. "This day keeps getting better."

He took the lantern and fired another shot into the mob before running into an adjoining room. He frantically looked for some kind of lighter, before realizing he hadn't barricaded the stairs. "Stupid!" He began to look harder, quicker.

He ripped open a drawer of a bedside table, and found a box of matches. His hands shaking, he took them out of the drawer. He had placed his gun into its holster, but realized he may need it, as the undead had begun to enter the room, getting stuck, almost comically, in the door way. They fought to try to get at him, gnashing their rotted teeth, reaching out with their with their arms, making unhuman noises.

Jake threw the lantern close to the zombies, letting it smash with the oil going all over the room. He tried to strike the matches, but his hands were shaking too much, breaking several heads. He finally got one to light and lit the oil. He didn't have any where to go but the fire window, and realized this was one of his worst ideas, ever.

He knew not all the zombies would be taken out in the fire, but he couldn't help feel some what relieved at the sight of several of them going up in smoke. When the flames began to spread, he realized he had three problems. One, the surviving zombies were just going to try to get him. Two, his only way out was a window. Three, he was scared of heights.
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Post  Haar_Dragon on Tue Jul 17, 2012 10:05 pm

Or something like this:

I looked around the empty room. Well, I thought it was empty, until I looked up, at which point, I froze. There were five guards up there. Why the guards had to be ninjas, I wasn't entirely sure, but my heart stopped for a moment. Five ninjas...that would be tough, considering I was only human. Doable? Maybe. But tough? A guarantee.

The first one jumped at me. Were they attacking one by one? With only one of them coming at me, I was more curious and slightly confused than I was scared. He drew his sword and slashed for my throat, but I backstepped away, pulling out my own weapon, a spear, and raised the small round shield already mounted on my arm. The katana bounced harmlessly off, and the ninja, caught off-guard by the reverberation from my shield, found my spear in his stomach. He fell limp, and I had to discard my spear for fear one of the other ninjas would attack me while I was preoccupied.

Then all the rest of them attacked, and I was completely lost in motion. I had to jump backwards again to avoid the enemies' blades. I tried to find something I could use as a weapon as I jumped around, barely able to defend myself against the onslaught of swords and shurikens. I received a slice to the leg for my trouble, but it was worth it when I saw a baseball bat hanging on the wall. I ran for it, taking one or two shurikens to the shoulder as I reached out. But it didn't matter. I had my weapon. There was no more threat of death. No more reason to fear.

I yelled and swung the bat two-handed at the nearest guard, putting all of my built-up agression into the attack. I heard his neck crack, bringing a twisted grin to my face. I was sick of defending. It was time to get something done. Another ninja swung at me, but I uppercut him, the bat sending his nose into his brain. Honestly, it was an accident. I was aiming for his chin, but missed. With three ninjas dead, I might actually have a shot, but then again, I'd taken some damage fighting them. All the same, only two remained. All things considered, I'd already won.

I tossed the baseball bat aside and pulled a shuriken out of my wooden shield. "Goodbye," I said. I threw my shield at one of the ninjas. As I expected, he jumped, and I threw the shuriken at him. Ever a good shot, I managed to hit him in the throat. Four down. I began to laugh. The final ninja glared at me. I was without weapon and without defense, but yet I grinned at him. The fact that I could look him in the eye with no shield and no weapon terrified him. I could see it in his eyes.

The ninja flipped over my head and attempted to hook his sword around my neck, but before he could, I ducked and stabbed him in the stomach with my hidden knife, proceeding to sweep his leg out and slit his throat. Looking around again, I laughed madly. The guards were done. I opened the drawer in the corner, the only piece of furniture aside from the formerly hung-up baseball bat, and removed the flash-drive hidden in it. Mission Accomplished.

I pulled out my cell phone. "HQ, document obtained."

"Any trouble?" asked the commander.

"No. Just a few ninjas."

"Ninjas? Guarding a recipe for apple pie?"

"Don't ask. They're all dead. I'm returning to base now." I hung up, and with that, I pulled my spear from the gut of the ninja I'd killed first. I then walked up to the final ninja and dipped my fingers in the blood on his throat. I licked the blood off my fingers and bowed. "Not worth my time."

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Post  NebulaGregarZX on Tue Jul 17, 2012 10:09 pm

Haar's really captures himself. It's nonsensical, crazy, but well-done.

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Planned Characters for DB Story: Redemi, Nobis, Matsuda.
To Be Introduced: Stice, Some jackass ghost, Rekoka, Raidou. Also some villains.

"Go forth, and set the world on fire!"
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Post  Haar_Dragon on Tue Jul 17, 2012 10:15 pm

That was without putting any thought into the situation beforehand. I literally just made that up as I went along. Originally there were thirty ninjas, but then I realized after killing three of them that thirty ninjas would take a really long time.

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Post  NebulaGregarZX on Thu Jul 19, 2012 11:54 pm

Ah, and I found a quote from Org.XIV Topic 2... in the Org.XIII battle. An OOC quote. Even if it was directed at Skazza, I feel that Sammy should see it.

<Oh my god, Skazza can you make a more broken character?! I mean "Kills Xemnas" WHAT?! that's bad writing, and it kills the topic no pun inteneded. You can't just say "Kill person" and they die, you have to be more creative and have fun with it. Watch this>

<Nexas DCs to Kingdom Hearts and kills 1,000,000 Darksides then kills every Org.XIII member and every Org.XIV then blows up Kingdom Hearts and after a thousand years he is king of the universe.>

<See? Horrible. And that's basically what you are doing with everything. So PLEEEEEASE stop ruining the topic.>

*Ahem*Hegotbetterfast.*Cough*

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TITAL Characters: Aleri, Rexial, Kiel, Sukiru, Aleri@Future(Aleri's ghost from the future) Leon(FFII, not KH), Seta Souji(P4 Protagonist), LaKuRo.
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Planned Characters for DB Story: Redemi, Nobis, Matsuda.
To Be Introduced: Stice, Some jackass ghost, Rekoka, Raidou. Also some villains.

"Go forth, and set the world on fire!"
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Post  Haar_Dragon on Sat Jul 21, 2012 3:07 am

Funny, I was thinking that exact same thing. Only I was too lazy to find the quote, so props to you on that. And I am currently at a hotel in North Carolina. And the internet reception is kinda crap, so...ya.

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Post  Atlantis_Rising on Mon Jul 23, 2012 2:26 pm

Hey, I need two people to play a couple of bad guys on this other site. Shoot me a PM if you're interested.
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